Top 5 Cosmetic Surgery Procedures Celebrities Won't Be Admitting To
Celebrifi - 11th Aug 2008
Beyonce Knowles: The word on the street today is that what's long been rumored has finally been confirmed -
Madonna has indeed had plastic surgery - a
Madonna-HAS-had-plastic-surgery">"mid-face lift," to be precise.
Used to be that plastic surgery had some social stigma attached to it, and people, never mind celebrities, who'd undergone little (and sometimes not so little) nips/tucks would never admit to it. But these days, it just doesn't seem to be that big a deal. Running the gamut from Botox and boob jobs, face lifts and liposuction, celebs are doing it, and not really bothering to hide it. We could do a gallery of celebrity surgeries gone horribly wrong, but then we just thought that a picture of
Michael Jackson would probably suffice.
So we figured we'd put together a list of the top 5 plastic surgery procedures that we WON'T be seeing in pictures (oh lordy, I hope we won't be seeing these in pictures!) and we definitely WON'T be hearing celebs admitting to.
At number 5, we have the perennial favorite, vaginal canal width reduction.Vaginal canal too wide? Don't worry, you're not alone. Get it reduced! But be careful, going down the surgery road is apparently not such a great idea. The good people at
Bangkok Plastic Surgery warn against it, noting that "a woman's capability to experience orgasm may be strongly impeded after such a procedure." If you absolutely positively MUST reduce vaginal canal width, go the natural route - use
Indonesian sirih leaves, the miracle plant that not only causes genital shrinkage, but can apparently restore your virginity too.
Who's having it:Angelina JolieWhy:With 12 kids at last count, all triplets, we are sure that she'd benefit greatly. And
Brad-boy would probably appreciate something a little narrower than a railway tunnel, too.
At number 4, there's clitoral unhooding.Yes, if you have a hooded clitoris, damn straight you should get it unhooded. Can't have no caped crusader down there in the pleasure zone. Also known as
hoodectomy, this is a "minor feminine genital surgical procedure to remove excess Prepuce tissue - the surrounding "hood" that sheaths the clitoral node on three sides."
Why would you remove Prepuce tissue, which the good Lord presumably put there for a reason? Why, for greater sexual pleasure, of course - ne'er a more noble nor more medically compelling reason has existed for surgery than enhancing female "tactile sensation."
Who's having it:Rosie O'DonnellWhy:She just kind of looks like she'd have some excess Prepuce tissue.
Number 3 - you guessed it, Phalloplasty.Can't have the ladies hogging all the unnecessary genital procedures, now can we? Phalloplasty is, of course, the noble science of enlarging the penis in girth, width, or both, but don't worry if you are a little squeamish about having a sharp knife slicing and dicing your purple-headed warrior. No, these days,
Dr. Giunta in Alexandria, Virginia can perform the entire operation using a laser! A laser, I hear you ask? Like a Dr. Evil "laser"? No, of course not, silly, Dr. Giunta is the pioneering surgeon for laser phalloplasty, is triple-board certified, and only uses the MISL Phalloplasty technique that he himself has developed. Don't forget, "you're never too old to have cosmetic Phalloplasty done."
Who's having it:Spencer PrattWhy:The Hills "star" has
denied getting calf implants, but he's definitely had his pecs done already. Next logical step - the penis.
At number 2, anal bleaching.While not strictly a surgical procedure, the art (we suppose it's more art than science) of anal bleaching for the purposes of lightening your rectal region can be performed by a plastic surgeon, as the fine folks over at
Bleach Bum point out. Purely a cosmetic touch-up, anal bleaching began in the porn industry (as so many fine innovations do), moved into the gay community, and is now making its way into the mainstream. But be careful, after you reach your "desired, even skin tone," it is recommended that you avoid "anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom." And if you only remember one thing, remember this: "use a moist wipe after every bowel movement."
Who's having it:Beyonce &
Michael JacksonWhy:Beyonce was apparently
Beyonce---">whitened for a L'Oreal photoshoot recently. And Jacko - well, surely the color of your ass needs to match the rest of your body?
And finally, at number 1, the top cosmetic surgery procedure that you WON'T hear celebrities admitting to - anal neosphincter reconstruction.Now, if you haven't yet heard of anal neosphincter reconstruction surgery, then don't you worry, many haven't. This is a relatively new procedure, still in clinical trials, and is being pioneered by none other than the scientifically-minded French over at the
Centre National de la Recherche Scientifique. If you or a loved one have faecal incontinence (i.e. you have a tendency to crap your pants), then this could be the procedure for you. Early results are promising, and the good doctors over at the
Colorectal Unit of St. George's Hospital in Sydney, Australia are reporting that in their trial of 12 patients, in no fewer than ALL of the cases "slow-twitch muscle conversion was achieved and all patients have a functional neosphincter."
Who's having it:DiddyWhy:For any of you who've had the pleasure of enjoying the VH1 reality show
Diddy/series.jhtml">"I Want to Work for
Diddy" and have seen how much he shits on others, you'll understand why he could use some neosphincter reconstruction.
And there you have it. Consider yourselves informed. Keep an eye out in the gossip press, and let us know if we are proven wrong.
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9. Sage Moon Blood: Sylvester Stallone
8. Kyd: David Duchovny (I see this name misspelled all the time!)
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5 through 1
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