The Playlist's Least Anticipated Films Of 2009

theplaylist.blogspot.com - 15th Jan 2009

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Kevin James: We wanted to subtitle this feature Cockpunching Your Brain Into Next Year: The Films Of 2009 Probably Destined To Make Us Unintentionally Laugh The Most. But you know, we mostly digress, but if you really want to see some of the year's worst films look no further than what's coming out this month in January: The year's dumping ground for unwanted films (and in some cases February, too). Things like "Kevin James Mall Cop," "Outlander," "Bride Wars," "Unborn," "My Bloody Valentine 3-D" all look abysmal and the horror ones in particular look just one step above straight-to-video quality, but you won't find them on this list because they'll be out in a week or two, Will be discussed or are just too fucking godawful to spend even a sentence on.One Man's treasure is another Man's trash and that really applies to what The Playlist is and isn't looking forward to this year. You've hopefully already read our Most Anticipated Films of 2009 list and our Could Be Potentially Great Escapist Entertainment Flicks of '09, but most most anticipated 2009 lists we've seen are replete with the blow-'em, geek cinema we mostly can't stand, but that said, some of it could be fun and entertaining in the same way that "Iron Man," or, uhh, even the mildly entertaining 'Hulk' was. Asking for another 'Dark Knight' is waaay too much to ask, we know this, but the super charismatic and engaging "Iron Man," is what the Zack Snyder's of the world should be aiming for (cause god knows Christopher Nolan is waaaaay out of everyone's league on this list). All we have to say is the late-2007 writers strike really fucked movie fans this year in a big way. This feature is basically a big example of why.JANUARY"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" - Screen Gems - Dir. Patrick TautopolousSynopsis: In the Dark Ages of the Lycan/Death Dealer conflict, a werewolf slave rises up against her vampire oppressors. Wait, what the f-?What You Need To Know: In case you had any unanswered questions from the previous two deadly-boring "Underworld" films, this prequel, from the special effects team of the earlier films, should answer it. As a prequel, the probably-too-expensive Kate Beckinsale hasn't returned, but a different female warrior played by Rhona Mitra takes center stage, with Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen reprising their roles because they apparently like how they look in leather shot through blue filters.Release Date: January 23rdFEBRUARY"Fanboys" - The Weinstein Company - Kyle NewmanSynopsis: Some of the earth's biggest losers make a pilgrimage to see one of the worst movies of all time.What You Need To Know: Oh, actually it's about a bunch of ur-text nerdy "Star Wars" obsessive in 1998 who take a cross country trip to their Mecca - George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch - to steal an early print of "Phantom Menace" so their sick buddy dying of cancer can get a look at the film before he dies. Poor kid does all that for fucking 'Menace.' God, the sad irony. The Weinsteinshated it, took it away from the inept director and then, after letting it sit around for a year or so, gave it back to him at the behest of a small-but-noisy group of girlfriendless dorks who complained incessantly about it on the Internet while living for free in their parents basement. Sadly, even Lucas probably doesn't want anything to do with it, seeing as it obviously reeks of unwanted turd no studio wants to waste money on distributing.Release Date: February 6, 2009, about two years after the fact."He's Just Not That Into You" - Flower Films. - Dir. Ken KwapisSynopsis:Various women in Baltimore discover that guys are either assholes or just plain don't like them, but continue to date them anyway - based on the best-selling self-help book.What You Need To Know: Every single A-list asshole with bad taste and non-existent acting skills (Ben Affleck, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston) plus a few people who should know better (Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Connelly) Star in this Valentine-bait ensemble flick. There's this idea for a new genre of movies adapted from self-help books that's being batted around Hollywood as the new executive idea of how to cash in on the female audience, with "French Women Don't Get Fat" already being planned for later in '09. Lots of eyes Will be on this terrible-looking adaption to see how just how low it can condescend to its intended audience.Release Date: February 6th"The International" - Sony Pictures - Dir. Tom Tykwer, Synopsis: An Interpol agent attempts to expose a high-profile financial institution's role in an international arms dealing ring.What You Need To Know: Tom Tykwerwill try and prove he's more than just a one hit wonder ("Run Lola Run") with the action-thriller of "The International" starring Clive Owen and Naomi Watts, but that February 13, dumping ground release doesn't instill much confidence.Release Date: February 13, 2009"Confessions of a Shopaholic" - Touchstone Pictures - Dir. P.J. HoganSynopsis: Stupid woman played by Isla Fischer gets into credit card debt due to her insane, female-debilitating shopping habit; gets a job as a financial planner, hijinks ensue.What You Need To Know: Between appearances in this movie by Kristen Scott Thomas, Lynn Redgrave, Joan Cusack, John Lithgowand Fischer herself, there is a lot of comedic talent. Unfortunately the plot for the chick lit book that was source material for this movie is as thin as cheap toilet paper and paints a female heroine who's frivolous and naive. It's hard to get behind a character who you want to stab in the face, no matter how great Fischer's comedy chops may be - and judging by the trailers she is working every muscle she's got to carry this crapfest.Release Date: February 13th"Friday the 13th" - Paramount - Dir. Marcus NispelSynopsis: Some teens get wasted. Jason kills them.What You Need To Know: This is the twelfth go-round for Jason Voorhees, and he has yet to become interesting. We suppose there's some filmmaker out there who can remake/sequelize this series in a way that makes us forget the jokey camp of the final installments, but the architects here are writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift ("Freddy Vs. Jason") and director Marcus Nispel ("The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake). Producer Michael Bay doesn't do the series any favors either. It's the same shit repackaged for a new generation- if you are of age, you've got eleven other choices at the video store for the same type of stupidity.Release Date: Friday the 13th of February! Ooooh!"Street Fighter: Rise Of Chun-Li" - 20th Century Fox - Dir. AndrzejBartkowiakSynopsis: Young fighter Chun-Li embarks on a quest to - oh, hey, fighting tournament!What You Need To Know: Kristen Kreuk, realizing there's no life after "Smallville," stars as the pint-sized fighter of the popular videogame series in a film with no relation to 1994's Van Damme effort "Street Fighter," nor to the excellent Sonny Chiba"Street Fighter." All the old favorites are here, but while the previous adaptation of the games leaned on the more absurd elements, this is a more-grounded film, which Will probably make all the "Haydoukens!" and such even sillier. From the never-times-nominated director of "Cradle 2 The Grave" and "Doom."Release Date: February 27th"Shanghai" - Weinstein Company - Dir. Mikael HafstromSynopsis: In post-WWII Shanghai, an American investigates a fallen friend, only to find government secrets and fall in love with the wrong woman.What You Need To Know: The Weinstein Company had high hopes for this effort, a mid-budgeted mystery with John Cusack, Ken Watanabe, Gong Li and Jeffery Dean Morgan, and they originally staked out a Christmas release date. Without enough money to make an Oscar push, however, this was pushed to the dregs of February. In an age where almost any dead serious movie for and about adults can be an awards contender, especially one with the Weinstein name, that has to suggest a less-than-optimum result. Add to that Hafstrom's English-language resume ("1408" and "Derailed") and the contemporary Cusack's awful period piece history ("Cradle Will Rock," "The Road To Wellville," "Max"), and you've got a recipe for disaster.Release Date: February 27th (though possibly being pushed back)MARCH"The Horsemen"

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