Linguistic Frippery: Celebrity Cockney Rhyming Slang
Celebrifi - 14th Aug 2008
Britney Spears: Ever keen to marry the single-syllable, bite-sized world of celebrity gossip tabloids with the Shakespearean ideal of cunning linguistic wordplay, we decided to compile a compilation of completely cock-eyed and cleverly contemplated Cockney rhyming slang, as it relates to celebrities.
Cockney rhyming slang, I hear you say? What might that be? For the non-Brits among you, Cockney rhyming slang, as defined by our dear old friend
Wikipedia, "is a form of slang in which a word is replaced by another word or term that rhymes with it" and originated in the East End of London. Common examples include "apples and pears" for "stairs", "trouble and strife" for "wife" and "dog and bone" for "phone."
Well, it's the noughties now, and time for an update. The ever-clever Brits have already taken to substituting some celebrity names for common terms, such as "Britneys" for "beers" (as in "
Britney Spears"), "Posh and Becks" for "sex" and the classic "it's all gone a bit
Pete Tong" for "it's all gone horribly wrong." We take this to the next level, and in a (likely vain) attempt to introduce some vernacular to the English language, present you with some completely new examples of celebrity rhyming slang.
We start off gently, with "crackers and stilton" for, who else, "
Paris Hilton".
Explanation: She's cheesy, crazy, likely smells kind of strong, and is often nibbled on at parties.
Suggested usage:"Damn, you see that fake-ass ho? That girl is totally crackers and stilton!"
We then move on, to "
Larry Bird" for "giant turd."
Explanation: Larry Bird is pretty tall, and, well,
Bird rhymes with turd.
Suggested usage: "I got a big one brewing, I'm going for a
Larry Bird."
In a similar vein, we have "
Brad Pitt" for "little shit."
Explanation: Don't really need one here. Though it should be noted that
Brad is only 5'10'', so considerably shorter than
Larry Bird. And he's married to Angelina Jolie - the little shit.
Suggested usage: "It's not really worth the effort, but I think I should probably go and squeeze out a
Brad Pitt."
Getting a bit more imaginative now, we try "Fiddy" or "
50 Cent" for "rent."
Explanation: You have to pay rent, and
50 Cent is a monetary value. Pretty straightforward really.
Suggested usage: "You couldn't lend me a few bucks, it's the end of the month, and I gotta make my Fiddy?"
What can we do with "
Miley Cyrus"? We could try "flu virus."
Explanation: Makes you feel sick, and spreads (legs?) easily (need to check with Nick Jonas).
Suggested usage: "I'm feeling a bit under the weather, I must have a touch of that
Miley Cyrus that's been making the rounds."
"
Sharon Stone" = "Getting the bone."
Explanation: She's older, sure, but she'll still make you hard.
Suggested usage: "It's been so long, all it takes is a stiff breeze and I got me a
Sharon Stone going on."
"
Barry White" = "Feeling aaaall right..."
Explanation: The man is smooth, you got to give him that.
Suggested usage: "I was all chill, my mood was all
Barry White."
And finally, "
Nicole Richie" for "nasty and bitchy."
Explanation: Yes, we already did
Paris Hilton, but her long-running feud with
Nicole Richie should not be forgotten. And it got kind of bitchy at times.
Suggested usage: "You know, we used to be friends, but lately she's gone all
Nicole Richie on me."
There you have it. And if you put it all together, old and new, you might end up with something like this:
"So I went to this party, of course left the trouble and strife at home, and after having a couple of Britneys, caught sight of this absolute crackers and stilton. I mean, she looked good, and I would have loved a little Posh and Becks with her, if you know what I mean, but I could tell right away that she was the kind of girl who'd end up costing me my Fiddy - you know, she was a three-drink minimum. And to make matters worse, I was recovering from a nasty
Miley Cyrus, and suddenly realized that my pants were in danger - there was a
Brad Pitt brewing, maybe even a
Larry Bird. So I thought the night was all going to go a bit
Pete Tong, when to my surprise her friend shows up. They both look at me, you know, in that kind of way, and start walking up the apples and pears, heading for the bedroom. I start to develop a bit of a
Sharon Stone, and figure I need to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. So I get on the dog and bone, give the missus a tinkle, and tell her I'll be a bit later than I thought. I think I'm in, you know, got them right there, it's all
Barry White, when they both go all
Nicole Richie on me! What's a guy to do, eh?"
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